


Two Bros Chilling In A Hot Tub 4.9 Feet Apart So They're Both Gay

by xxbunnykissesxx



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, background fiveya and benkliego and i guess one sided alluther but this aint about them, luther drank his respect women juice, luther's ape body, mutual handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:26:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27654080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxbunnykissesxx/pseuds/xxbunnykissesxx
Summary: The Academy takes a vacation to Florida and two idiots sit too close in a hot tub
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves
Kudos: 18





	Two Bros Chilling In A Hot Tub 4.9 Feet Apart So They're Both Gay

**Author's Note:**

> a cautionary tale of what happens when you dont leave 5 feet for the holy spirit amen

It had taken five apocalypses, twelve instances of time travel, winning over a group of unfortunate adoptees that had taken their place, fighting with and finding therapists for several alternate universe versions of themselves, and living nearly a decade condensed into a two month blip in their timeline for the Umbrella Academy to have a collective moment of peace. And where better to have a collective moment of peace that the ocean coast of Florida. It had been Klaus’ idea to take a family road trip, but most of the siblings had immediately scrapped the idea. Just the thought of spending several days in a car together was insufferable.

Allison had been the one who held tight and championed a family vacation. Klaus hadn’t let her finish before he was lamenting that his skin was going to _burn_ in a way he hadn’t experienced since Dallas. Luther was a simple case of batting her eyelashes and asking nicely. Five and Vanya gave in after the go-to argument of bonding with and including Vanya. A sleepover where Allison had confided in Ben that she missed taking Claire to the beach every year on summer vacation, and that having another part of her family there would mean the world to her was probably an overkill, seeing as he was still enchanted by standing in the garden without shoes and would kill for the ocean. After that it was a joint effort to annoy Diego into doing it to shut them up.

That was how they had found themselves in a secluded pastel green beach house. A brisk breeze carried up the eternal sound and salty scent of waves crashing up the small hill the house sat on. After a day of settling in and napping lazily until they could justifiably go to bed, the sibling set off for a week and a half of relaxation and recuperation. Ben was the first to wake up and the last to go to bed, spending every second he could either exploring any experience the city had to offer or submerged in water. Vanya spent her time bouncing between excursions with Klaus and Allison and fucking Five on every surface available. It would have been concerning if the man hadn’t been alone in an apocalypse for 40 years and forced to go through puberty twice. Diego had taken up in a spare activities room, setting out bottles of liquor and challenging everyone to rounds of pool that lasted until they could barely stand. Luther often fell into matches with him, an inevitability of being at home in an attempt to break his habit of needing a task to perform.

It was this attempt at not needing a goal that found Luther alone in the property’s hot tub, the buzz of endless mimosas from a restaurant he was now banned from aiding hot jets of water to work out the knots in his gigantic shoulders that seemed to have carried over from his old body. After years of working with and worrying about his family, it was a relief to know that they were somewhere together with no immediate threats. It felt strange to be alone, without a mission or company, and find that he was happy. Years of solitude had him convinced that loneliness would be his downfall, so he clung to it, to his father in the academy, to Jack Ruby in Dallas, to the pet project he made of his alternate timeline self. But he was content now, and that realization only served to boister that good mood. It was progress of a sort. Unfortunately, he was Luther, and that peace wouldn’t last.

Diego appeared out of a side door to the house, frown set upon his face and brows furrowed in agitation. He stepped over the ledge and sat down, an awkward distance between them that was just far away enough to not be accidental, but not far away enough to put substantial distance between them. It was apparent that the distance was considered before hand. Diego nodded at him in greeting from a little less than five feet away, letting silence settle awkwardly between them. As the minutes stretched on, they both grew more aware that they would have to acknowledge that the other was there.

“So, uh, what’s up?” Luther asked to break the tension, knowing how that in Diego’s mood, he’d allow the silence to stretch on until they both had to leave.

“Relationship problems,” Diego glanced at him once before crossing his arms and turning away, “You wouldn’t get it.”

“I’m not completely clueless, you know.”

“Oh, so you’ve been in a three-way couple with two of your brothers before?”

“Not exactly, but you guys do have a pattern. Even I see it.”  
Diego turned to glare at him, immediately defensive. “And that ‘pattern’ is what exactly?” His voice turned scathing and mocking “That I’m left all on my lonesome and decide to just wait until they’re back so I can _beg_ them to take me back?”

Luther just stared at him, not willing to give the reaction that Diego was obviously looking for. What did grate on him was the assumption that he would beg for a person who, in that hypothetical situation, was clearly not interested.

“I’m not hung up on Allison,” he explained, putting effort into keeping his voice even and not accidentally slipping in emotion, “I can have a love life outside of her and I’m not the one moping in a hot tub because Klaus and Ben got in a fight and now I’m lonely.”

“Fuck off, I’m pissed not sad.” He thought for a moment, staring at the swirling water as a smile creeped onto his face. “So, a love life outside of Allison. What’s his name?”

"It wasn't a guy and I, uh, didn't really catch her name."

Diego’s eyebrows raised. This was probably better than getting Luther mad over Allison. “You mean to tell me that you fucked a woman and didn’t propose on the spot? This could have been huge for you! You’d finally get to live out your Barbie Dream Wedding fantasies.”

“Like you’re any better. At least I know that I want commitment instead of a relationship that hinges on two of the most different people alives’ ability to get along!”

“Oh yeah, and that’s going to work out real well when you can’t even talk to a woman! Face it, Luther, you’re daydreams aren’t reality. I know that you think everything is going to be amazing, but maybe if you were realistic for once in your life you would understand that things aren’t so clear cut.” Diego’s voice had taken on a hard edge that sobered Luther from the quickly rising anger. It was a clear give away that he was showing at least a little vulnerability, that he had reached a point where he couldn’t be flippant about the direction the conversation had taken.

“They’re not. You have two people, who have got the weirdest lives imaginable, that you have to look out for! That doesn’t mean that you deserve to be shoved to the sidelines every time they want to fight. And I don’t expect things to be perfect, Diego, I’m not stupid. You’re the only one who thinks I’m that way. I haven’t even had a real relationship.”

“you could. You’re not ugly or anything, someone would take you up on it if you just _asked”_

“It’s not that easy. It’s not like I can go up and just talk to people.”

“Why not?” The answer hit Diego as soon as the words were out of his mouth. It wasn’t just Luther’s appearance. He genuinely did not know how. His entire life had been either spent in the academy or on the moon. Even when he was in Texas for years, there was little chance that he had anything more than a surface level relationship of any sort, romantic or otherwise. It was a little sad, but at the very least, Diego now knew how he could make up for his aggressiveness and help his brother.

“Here, I’ll show you. Pretend I’m a woman-” He said, sliding on the hot tub seats until he was as close as the approximate distance that would separate barstools.

“This isn’t going to do anything.”

“Shut the fuck up we’re doing this. I’m an incredibly sexy girl and we’re at a bar. You say something funny and then you lean towards her-”

“I’m not getting in a woman’s space, Diego. That’s the least attractive thing I could do.” Luther interjected, and Diego realized that he had honestly forgotten that he was working with a 7 foot tall, 350 pound, muscle bound man that was very self conscious and very aware of other people him.

“Fine,” he spat out, “You’re with the hottest girl you’ve ever seen, it’s been awhile, she’s into it, I’m into it, you lean in a little bit. Test the waters. You can go back if it gets creepy.” A beat passed and Diego knew that Luther wasn’t going to do it, so he moved in instead, closing the gap between them even more “C’mon Luther, I’m not going to make the first move every time.” Luther relented, inching a the slightest bit closer and closer still when Diego waved him forward. Diego gave him an encouraging look and waved him on even more, only stopping where there was half a foot of space between them.

“See, I’m not going to push you away.” Diego and Luther locked eyes and shifted ever closer, tilting their heads to slot into place against each other. Their eyes fluttered shut and their lips met. Diego’s tongue licked at Luther’s mouth to request entrance that was easily granted. He explored the hot mouth, his palms coming up to cup the man’s stubbled chin and hold him in place. He felt Luther begin to respond, and suddenly Diego’s hands were on Luther’s shoulders, and Luther’s hands were splayed across Diego’s chest, both pushing each other away.

“Don’t- I already know what I said but this is-” Diego tried to explain. Sure, he’ll mercilessly make fun of his brother for being rejected, but to actually reject him seemed excessively harsh. How did Allison do it?

“It’s weird.” Luther finished bluntly.

“Yeah...” Diego trailed off, glad that his brother understood and not wanting to jeopardize that understanding. “We could still do handjobs.”

“How is that any better?”

“Everyone knows that handjobs are less intimate than kissing. You don’t even have to look at them! Trust me, I’m more experienced.” Luther was always a sucker for a hierarchy of leadership. He accepted this, nodding affirmative before making quick work of his trunks, Diego not far behind. When the two had settled, swim trunks on the ledge behind them, they turned to size each other up. Luther was, as expected, of frankly excessive size. Diego wondered briefly how, exactly, Luther’s mystery girl had even gotten the thing in. How much foreplay would be necessary for it not to hurt like a bitch? Fingers? Did Luther’s monkey fingers stretch her out? Or did she just happen to have the biggest dildos in the sex shop on hand? Anyway, he was about to get a handjob from the owner of said dick, so he tried his best to file the unending stream of questions in the back of his mind. He figured that as with the practice flirting, he would be the one who would have to take the lead. The thought quickly crossed his mind that his brother had ought to learn to take the initiative, but his head would probably explode at the suggestion.

Diego’s hand slipped under the water and into Luther’s lap, attempting in vain to close his fingers entirely around the other man’s cock. Along with the rest of his physiology, Reginald’s experiment had changed his dick to a proportion too large compared to the rest of his human counterparts. It would have pissed him off if he weren’t preoccupied. Warm water lubricated their skin, making it slippery and easy to jerk Luther off.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a sharp tug at his own dick, sending pleasure shooting straight through his spine. The hand on him stroked teasingly light towards the base before coming back up to tighten towards the head. His pace slowed as he brought his hand back down only to speed up on the upstroke. Diego shouldn’t have been surprised that he was good at this. The man had been a thirty year old virgin for fuck’s sake. He opened his mouth to say as much when Luther pressed his thumb hard against the tip, drawing out a breathy moan that, thankfully, saved Diego from self sabotage.

Focusing hard on the task at hand, Diego gripped tight and sped up the movement of his arm. Luther had been alone for a long time. He would probably appreciate a straight-forward hard and fast approach, would be happiest to fully feel the hand on him. It was the best thing about Luther- there was no need for subtlety. The larger man groaned and tilted his hips up to meet Diego’s hand, letting out small gasps of encouragement.

As they continued their ministrations, Luther gradually stiffened. First it was his hand, no longer teasing and light but just as brutal as Diego’s. He had lost the concentration needed for anything more complicated than just slamming his fist up and down over and over. His head had stopped moving. Baby blue eyes screwed shut underneath a furrowed brow as his breathing became heavy and shaky. Last was his hips. He had grounded himself against the hot tub bench in order to stop himself from bucking wildly into Diego’s grip. Furred-over thighs trembled with the effort of remaining still. It was charming and pitiful at the same time to watch the Academy leader struggle so badly to deny himself, to place more effort into remaining controlled than chasing pleasure. It was annoying as well. This wasn’t some grand dream for either of them, they were taking it where they could get it, and Luther couldn’t manage to get his head out of his ass enough to let him have something that they were already doing?

“You don’t have to do that.” Diego scoffed. At Luther’s questioning look he gestured to the whole of him. “Hold back, I mean,” He once again remembered that he was in the lead, “It’d be better for me too. I like enthusiasm.” Luther took a couple deep breaths and opened his mouth to speak only to close it again and nod. It took a few moments to ramp up to where they were previously, but when they did it felt less strained, more natural and pleasurable for the both of them. Luther allowed himself to chase after Diego’s hand whenever it came back down to double the pace that he would get to experience. Diego relaxed as well, leaning his head back and crooning praise and commands at that the other man followed through his preoccupations.

Soon, Luther was tensing up again, though this time he moved through the stiffness, meeting Diego’s hand faster and more haphazardly than before. Deep groans rose from the base of his throat as his impossibly hard dick found more friction from the finger’s tightening around it. The larger man hissed as he came, hips shuddering as he spilled into the water, pushed over by the hand that wouldn’t stop until he was spent and falling back on the rail for support. He stayed for a second, trying to regain his composure until he could focus on the man beside him who still had yet to cum.

Through the hazy post-orgasm pleasure that threatened to make his arm turn to jelly, Luther attempted to build Diego up to climax. It was difficult to keep his arm moving. At the Academy, he had depended upon his supernatural strength and endurance to keep up with their rigorous training, had never had to learn to push past the state of his body to his goal. He tried, but was unable to find the pace that he had set before his body had melted with satisfaction. As any good leader would tell you, it was now time to discard this method and move on to another that might yield more positive results.

His hand slowed, back to steady, teasing strokes that left Diego writhing for more. His thumb dragged along the slit of his cock, collecting precum that smeared when he rubbed circles against the head. The smaller man’s eyes lost focus as he stopped trying to jerk his hips into the other’s hand. It was better to stay still, difficult but more rewarding now that the hand was no longer gripped tight around him. There was nothing he could do but let Luther go on, panting pleas that he would return to letting his hand be fucked instead of winding him up through touches that burned when he moved elsewhere.

It was torture to feel his body tense, ready for climax, only to feel Luther pull away, drawing out the waiting with feather-soft touches that just wouldn’t manage to push him over the edge. Finally, just as Diego was about to begin fucking into his hand and hoping Luther would just go with it, Luther finally clamped his fingers around Diego’s aching cock.

“Jesus fuck, Luther.” He whimpered before frantically rocking into the fingers that closed around him, creating the friction that he had desperately needed. Tanned hips snapped forward until Diego could feel climax within reach. He barely pulled back before shoving forward again and again until something in him broke and his body fell apart in pulses, cum making a mess and staining Luther’s fingers as still he fucked himself until there was nothing left to do but gasp out for air that seemed to have left his lungs long ago. It was impossible to tell which part of the feelings beneath his skin was the dull ache and relief of contracted muscles relaxing or the daze of sex.

They sat there for a moment, leaning back and letting waves of afterglow hit them, satiation and contentment mixing with the laziness brought forth from hot water and sunshine. Luther’s eyes had just closed as footsteps sounded from the silence of the previously vacant house, sending a jolt of adrenaline shooting straight to his chest. His eyes flickered and locked onto Diego’s, and it was clear that for once in their lives they had the same thought- this did not look good. They scrambled to get their swim trunks off the ledge, an open palm smacking Luther’s forehead when he accidentally made an all-too-loud splash. As soon as they had pants in place they sat frozen in an attempt to determine how close the interloper was. Footsteps failed to come any clearer and the two men slowly rose out of the water. Luther looked down at the dirty water then back at Diego, gesturing and mouthing ‘What do we do?’. Diego shot him a dirty look and began to strangle the air. Not now, then. When it had been a minute without another sign of anyone else they stepped out of the water and walked briskly to the nearest entrance of the house. With a quick turn of both locks and a glance outside for witnesses provided nothing, Diego joined Luther who was slumped onto the couch fidgeting with his fingers.

“Relax. No one saw us.” He could hear how brittle the composure in his voice was.

“We shouldn’t have left it like that. I was the only person here. They’re going to think-” Luther’s huge shoulders trembled with mortification. Diego settled his hands on his shoulders to settle him and gather his attention.

“Would that be any worse than the truth. Think of Allison, Luther. How do you think she’d take it if she knew that we were competing.” He couldn’t help the smirk scrawled across his lips. “She’s a sore loser. You’d never get over it.”

“Shut up. I’m not taking the blame for you.”

“We could always blame it on Five and Vanya.”

“Five would know we were blaming him.” The only thing worse than the thought of Five investigating the Academy’s sexscapades was the thought of him doing it in the thirteen year old body that he had managed to replace.

“We’d wait until Klaus blamed him. If we leave it alone it’ll happen.”

“Five would still know someone was lying. We can’t let him get involved.”

“There has to be a way to make it so nothing can be traced back to us.”

“We could clean the hot tub.” Of course Luther would take the simplest option.

“And be seen next to it? We’re lucky no one saw us together. We can’t acknowledge the hot tub, Luther.”

“Well, we can’t just leave it. We’re wasting time. Everyone knows that I was there and they can piece together that you came back after Klaus and Ben’s fight. I still think that we should get rid of the evidence, whether that means cleaning or otherwise.”

Diego scowled for a moment but relented. “Tell me about ‘otherwise’.”

  
  


“You _broke_ the hot tub? Luther, I have a deposit down!” Allison’s disappointment cut through Luther like a knife. He steeled himself against the guilt bubbling up in his chest. She was going to be disappointed either way. It was better for it to be about something that she expected from the two brothers.

“I’ll pay for it. I really am sorry, Allison.” She sighed, sure that she had gotten the sufficient amount of remorse from him.

“I know you will.” She turned to Diego, “Did you seriously have to do this now. You couldn’t have waited until we were at home and I wasn’t responsible for what you broke?”  
“Why is this my fault? Luther can’t start a fight?”

Allison leveled him a glare that could cut through stone that Diego only scoffed at.

“Fine, but I’m not saying sorry to the bastard, he got what he deserved.”

“Then apologize to me. Because of you I have to settle things with the owner and who knows what the press is going to say about this. I was supposed to have a nice vacation. If you would calm down and think something through for once in your life maybe you wouldn’t have to fight with everyone all the time.”

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make things hard on you. If you want, I can take care of the owner. Least I can do is let you have the rest of the week without dealing with our bullshit.” Allison relaxed a little now that she knew they would at least try to get along.

“Absolutely not. I’m not being sued because you think it’s okay to flip a knife around while trying to settle a dispute. If Luther wants to do it, he can, but you’re not getting anywhere near someone important.”

“He’s the one who just destroyed a hot tub.”

“Fair enough. Neither of you can be trusted with anything. You’ll be okay if I leave you here, won’t you? Or do I have to ask Vanya and Five to sit with you?”

“Yes, Allison, we got into a fight and are dealing with it like capable adults. You can leave at any time.”

“Sure. I’m thinking of picking up pizza for dinner.”

“Sounds great.” The two boys gave her terse smiles before the door slammed shut behind her.

“That went well.” Luther fell against the couch, head tilting back to stare at the popcorn ceiling.

“I think this is the first time one of your plans has actually worked.” Diego shifted to the side to dodge the hand that swatted at him and look at his brother.

“So.....” The other man cocked his eyebrow, not looking away from the ceiling, “Do you.... want to do it again?”

Their eyes met and broke away as Luther began to shake his head.

“Sure. Why not?”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this would have been up so much sooner if not for the handjobs but on the bright side i write sex better now, which is good because like 90% of my ideas hinge on that


End file.
